What Begins to Happen When You Listen to Your Inner Voice
I recently found an old journal entry of mine, and was reminded of how magical life can become when we start to pay more attention to what we really want. I thought I would get more personal and share this story with you all- sometimes the best way to be inspired is to be touched by another person's experience, rather than read words of advice. The art of storytelling is so old, and so impactful because it allows us to learn lessons from one another without going through it ourselves. I hope this story touches you, and moves you to take more leaps of faith when you find yourself in places of uncertainty.
THE BEGINNING
It all starts with me at age 18, making a vision board in my room. Vision boards are small posters that you paste images and words on of different things you desire. The intention is to have a physical object that focuses your energy on your dreams and inspires you every time you look at it.
I wasn’t sure what my dreams even were exactly- but I did know what I wanted more of. More joy, more freedom, more meaningful experiences, more connection to myself and a higher purpose. There was so much more I knew I had to offer to the world. I had lived in this same room my whole life, and the person that went out into the world everyday was beginning to feel so different from who I really was inside.
I was so drained, on all levels. My Dad was in and out of homeless shelters and I constantly felt the pain of seeing someone you love struggle, while having no control over it. At the same time, I was a classic teenager with my own personal issues. I felt unsure of what to do with my future- I was taking classes that interested me at my local community college, but I still felt stuck. There was so much stress in my life and I felt clouded. I felt like my energy was always going outside of me, rather than inside. I was the therapist to my main circle of friends, while deep down really needing one myself. I ignored all of this and how serious it was, because it was my normal. Yet at the same time, I felt this whole world bubbling within me that knew there was a different way, calling out for my attention.
So here I was, making this dream board, hoping it would help bring in some good juju. I have always been a believer in the law of attraction, and that "energy flows where attention goes." I covered the board with radiance- amazing nature, colors, beaming smiles, sunrises and sunsets. A group of three girls with their arms around each other looking out at the horizon, representing sisterhood. A photo of hands because I was fascinated with energy healing, spirituality, and eastern medicine. I had always wanted to study these topics but didn't know if it would be a successful career path. One thing that I had always known was that I wanted to help others. I printed and pasted a picture of my dream school, the Southwest Institute of Healing Arts. (SWIHA) It was across the country in Arizona, a place I had never been and knew noone- so it was just that, a dream. I loved this vision board and all that it represented to me.
THE SETTLING
Trying to figure out “what to do with your life” is one of the most ridiculous and stressful things in the world. We often try to find something that fits the box enough, pleases us enough. It is rare to from the beginning know exactly what you want to do with your life. This is because we are constantly growing, and what we “do” goes far beyond our job. It is a daily cultivation of what you give to the world.
After focusing on health education and getting my associates degree, about 2 years had passed and I was still unsure of what was next- not realizing how okay that is. So I tried my best to choose a reasonable and reliable path. I played it safe. There wasn't a school around that offered courses similar to SWIHA’s, so I strayed away from those interests of mine. Even though it was an option to to live with friends outside of Maryland and just work for a bit to figure things out, I wouldn’t allow myself. The voice of society was so ingrained in me that I thought the right (and easiest) thing to do was to find a university with in state tuition, and just make it work for me. I’d still be moving out, and switching things up. I just wanted the relief of finally making a decision.
I found a school on the eastern shore that looked pretty decent (I’m not kidding, I was not setting the bar high very high) and decided I could major in sociology. Right?! It made sense. I loved social problems and longed to help the world around me. With my history with my Dad I also had a solid outlook on what it’s like to be affected by a system in need of improvement. So, I applied to the school and waited. When I began telling those around me of my plans, there was a sinking feeling in my stomach but I'd ignore it. With time it began to go away and I even got excited to go to school. When an envelope from them came, I ripped it open with my heart beating wildly, so badly hoping I had gotten in.
I looked over the letter and as soon as I saw the words of acceptance, I heard a booming voice in my head say "NO." Everything silenced in that moment. The message was so clear, and even though it was the sound of my own voice, I knew it hadn't come from me. It was so loud, so abrupt, so unexpected. I knew without an ounce of doubt that it was a message to guide me. To not lie to myself and go any further. To listen to my gut. I could not go to this school.
So I didn’t.
THE FEAR
It felt so good to finally be real with myself and admit that I didn't truly want to go there. It also felt terrifying to now have no idea what the Plan B was. I remember being in limbo and just feeling like a hot mess. Every day I asked and prayed for help, to be sent some kind of sign.
One of my best friends Sara came home for the holidays, and she had gotten really into tarot cards. We decided to give me a reading for fun, pulling different cards to represent different aspects of my life. Each card definitely felt applicable to what I was going through, and gave some clarity on what was happening in my life. The topic of career came up, with the card saying that I need to follow my gut and what I really want to do. Sara brought up how I’d always wanted to go to Arizona and how that might be a good idea for me. I then pulled an outcome card to represent what would happen if I continued the current path I was on. When I set it down before me, it was “The World” card- reversed. I felt goosebumps all over my whole body. Very literally, it was telling me that if I ignored my dreams any longer, my world would be upside down.
This was another moment where I could see that spirit, god, the universe, whatever name you’d like to use- was clearly talking to me and answering my calls. Now, it was a test of whether I would listen. It was obvious that I had to change direction, and go southwest. So many thoughts crossed my mind- how would I even make it happen? Was I really ready to leave everything I’d ever known behind? I had never even lived outside of my house, how was I about to live by myself 2,000 miles away? Would my family be okay? How would it affect everybody if I left? Would I be okay?
This is what always happens when you are right on the cusp of something big. Your fears will come at you full force. Anytime you want to take a chance, you are reminded of the possibility of failure. You are reminded that you will lose control, entering a realm of uncertainty. The funny part is- aren’t we always? We are always dancing with uncertainty, and always surrendering to the fact that we are not in control. So we might as well take a chance. I remember being told “What is the worst that could happen? If you fail, you can come right back to where you would have been all along.”
THE JUMP
“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it’s a feather bed.”
I talked to my mom and she agreed that I should go check out SWIHA. I was fucking terrified, but thrilled at the same time.
I never worried about visiting the school and not liking it- I knew I would love it. I just didn’t know where I was going to stay when I visited. Then, Sara reminded me that our good friend from high school had moved to Arizona a few years ago. When I called them, they lived 15 minutes away from the school. I think that was the moment when I knew that it was all going to happen.
I found a potential roommate on craigslist, visited her, visited the school, took the leap of faith, and 7 months later I was on a one way flight to Phoenix. Looking back on it, I find it fitting that I was moving to a city named after the bird of transformation and rebirth. So many more weird synchronicities had happened in between, like the fact that my house ended up being across the street from my only friend that I knew there, and my roommate had also moved across the country from Pennsylvania to go to the same school. As soon as I made the decision to go it seemed like the rest just fell into place. It reminds me of what Paulo Coelho wrote in The Alchemist- that when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
The Terence McKenna quote above was like my anthem that first year away. I knew that the hardest part- taking the risk- was over. Once I began to adjust to my new life, of course there were obstacles, but there were also gifts. There were times that I was deeply homesick, and times that I felt shaken alive by everything around me. Every time I felt lonely, I would take the bus to the park and climb up high, looking out at the expansive stretch of cacti and mountains in the distance. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced, and here I was, doing the damn thing. I understood that even though it was hard, this solitude was so necessary, giving me the time for introspection and silence that I so badly needed. For once in my life I was distracted by nothing. I spent every day pushing my boundaries and learning more about myself-surprised at how quickly I could adapt to different situations and how much stronger I had already become. I was beaming with life.
I had been in esthetics school studying skin care for a few months, and began to meet people in class. Things started to feel normal and even homey. I spent a lot of time with my friend who had lived there and became close with his sister. One day they invited me to go swimming at Canyon Lake (as epic as it sounds) and I was so gung-ho to be living this desert dwelling life. As we walked the trail, I noticed we were inclining and getting higher and higher above the water. When we reached the spot, I realized that part of swimming meant cliff-jumping.
All of a sudden, I was not siked. We were super high up and I was nervous as hell, already bailing out of even trying. Deep down I knew I would regret missing the experience but it felt so much better to just skip it altogether. Couldn't we just go back to the trail and slip into the water comfortably? This internal dialogue began to sound familiar- with this leap off the edge representing so much of my journey so far. I looked out around me and saw the canyon cliffs, the hawk swirling above, the dark blue water. In that moment I realized that I had really made it. And this was my celebration.
THE CATCH
I jumped, and the world caught me. The water enveloped me and flooded me with emotion. I had done it. All of it.
That next year was even better than the last. I started my school program for reiki (a form of energy healing) and met two of my best friends there, Karrissa and Mckensie. McKensie is a classic fire sign, so bright and fun to be around, always adorned in unique pieces, unafraid to be herself. She makes you feel more free just from being around her. Karrissa is such a wise soul, filled with so much adventure and love for the world around her, moving you to think and live outside the box. We meditated together, prayed together, cooked together, laughed and cried together, danced together, traveled together, healed together, and became reiki masters together. One time as the three of us sat together, I realized that they were the ones I had put on my vision board.
Once reiki was over, I continued on to take aromatherapy classes, and immediately fell in love. I could feel my senses heighten, my awareness shift, my passion for plants and nature really come out. When I woke up the day after my first class I felt so happy that I literally thought I was still dreaming. It felt too good to be real. That is a feeling that I want everyone in the world to experience.
And that is what this story is all about.
When you feel off path, stagnant, or sad… please listen to that part of yourself that longs for something different. Even if you don’t know what changes to make yet. Even if it is the tiniest step in a direction that feels better, it is still movement. It doesn't have to be a drastic change, like moving across the country. This is just the way it needed to be done for me. And now, I know how to listen and carry myself through life in a greater way.
If your dream feels too scary, or too large to conquer- than what a beautiful dream it is. For as long as you desire more out of life- the doors will continue to open for you. They won’t fling open dramatically, at first they will creak and let a bit of light in. All you have to do is meet it halfway to take a peak, trusting what lays on the other side.
“Fight for the life you’ve dreamed about. Pursue it and demand to be lifted up. Jump. And expect some discomfort for a while. Trust. Be patient as the pieces fall into place, and that one day will come when you look around and see it happening right before your eyes. Just as you had wished at ages 9, 18, and 20. Even the parts you forgot you wished for. It’s your job to then echo that feeling out to everything on earth and give back. Start spreading that hope and love to all that you come in contact with. Make this world better. Make it what we’ve started to deem as impossible. It is possible.”
